Just when I was getting the hang of it

Man, it is HARD to stay positive lately. Too much stuff happening at the same time. I’m trying all my usual tricks, but I feel like I’m barely keeping a fingertip-grip on a sliver of positivity. Way too easy to let go and slink back down into anger, hate, frustration, and worry.

I am going to L.A. this weekend, and as of right now, I dread it so much that I can taste the dread, and I want to NOT go so badly I can barely stand it. But I’m stuck—ticket is non-refundable and non-transferable. I can’t even get out of my commitments while out there, because I can’t afford a room on my own (the job I’m doing is covering room & board, basically). So the stuck feeling is just making things worse. I should be looking forward to this, but I’m not, because there are people involved who are making it miserable and who will make it even more miserable in person. Normally I could just ignore trash people, but given the other stresses in life I’m dealing with, I know I’m at a snapping point. It might get ugly, and it will be me making it ugly. I’m afraid it’ll just take one word from the wrong person—or even a look—and boom! Put me on Jerry Springer!

I’m only half-joking.

I’m going to try to avoid people as much as possible, just to try to save myself headaches and tension and potential outbursts. If I could just go lay on the beach for the next several days, that’d be grand. I wish.

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