It’s all muddy again

Today was a slightly harder day to get through. I think I’m not releasing as much as I should be, so my pain and anger and helplessness are coming out in other ways. I feel the urge to just curl up into a ball and hide away, despite my current intention to learn to “open,” “unfurl,” and “release.” It’s like my body and my mind are fighting me tooth and nail, refusing to let me do it.

I’m too sensitive these days, and I’m letting people hurt me who have no business doing so because they aren’t really people who matter that much. But I guess I’m still more raw than I thought, and so little idiocies get to me. And thanks to some slightly careless words by a person known for careless words—thus I should not let them get to me, but they do—I have this feeling that I should be acting normal already, that people are judging me for everything I do as I go through this. Pretty ridiculous way to feel, isn’t it? Because if someone did judge me for any of this, well…I suppose I will keep my true feelings to myself on this, because they are very ugly. But it adds resentment to all the other emotions that are coming up.

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