Today Jamie asks, What do you wish to dare?
Reading that question made me chuckle, because just yesterday, all day and all night, and all this morning, I have been trying to clarify some ideas that have been rolling in my head for a long time that revolve around daring to step forward. Ideas about what I want to “do” with the various skills and training and likes & dislikes I have. How do I take this crazy melange of “me” and create a living doing my version of soulwork? That’s been my main concern for most of this year, actually.
Ever since I was laid off last January and my mom passed (both happened in the same week), I’ve been working through so much “stuff.” I’m sure you can imagine what kind of stuff I mean…feelings of inadequacy, rejection, inability, soul-deep loss, regret, sadness, frustration…and on and on. But I have also had many breakthroughs and moments of clarity, gratitude, stillness, Goddess, and pureness, and these moments have been stacking up like building blocks, and I’m starting to realize that they’re trying to form words to communicate with me. Trying to get me to see past all the hurt and self-defeating talk to a vision of something much greater and worthy and life-giving and soul-loving.
What is that something? Well, I’m not exactly sure yet; that’s what I started brainstorming yesterday and am still doing today. I know it involves returning to teaching, but not teaching at universities again but teaching out in blogland and in person. I loved teaching, but I hated grading & academic politics. I loved teaching fun exercises that got my students to explore and reveal things. So I see value in finding ways to do that part of teaching again. I also want to take Reiki out into the world more, and yoga, and sacred movement and art and circles and sacredness. I have so many stacks of paper covered with ideas and words and half-formed thoughts…crazy-big ideas that would take years to manifest and tiny bite-size ideas I can do today.
Ever since being laid off I have become obsessed with the idea of soulwork, finding the “work” I am called to do and taking it out into the world. I cannot stand the idea of going back to an office job (which I’ve always hated with a passion that’s almost disturbing), I can’t justify adjuncting again (which pays about the same as retail jobs around here but with more work—uh, NO), and stripping is out of the question (lol). There are many, many retail places I’d *love* to work at (hello, gorgeous little gardenscape place! Hello, new age store! Hello, independent coffee house! Hello, seabird sanctuary!—oh wait, I already did work there, about 15 years ago…one of the best jobs I ever had), but the pay isn’t enough to live on, and at this point in life I want to fill my days with work that is meaningful, deeply fulfilling, helps others, and provides the income I need. I see so many other people making it happen…”pulling it off” as I say to myself, then correct myself because the phrase “pulling it off” suggests that they’re doing something slightly less-than-allowed or almost-wrong…which then tells me I still have stuff rolling around in my own head about soulwork (such as those nasty “others-can-do-soulwork-but-I-can’t-make-it-happen” kind of thoughts, usually coupled with the, “you don’t have the right qualifications to do that” or “who do you think you are to think you can do that?” thoughts).
So in an attempt to fly in the face of all these doubts and mental roadblocks, my wish for today is… I wish to dare to discover all the forms my soulwork may take and to start the first steps to make them happen.