Unending grief, and something else

My mother has passed away after complications from chemo. I cannot begin to describe my state of mind right now. I need to disconect from the blog for awhile; I will return eventually.

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Edited an hour later to add:

That was a quick “disconnect.” It seems I am not meant to disconnect from my little online e-cottage, that I am finding so many new avenues and ideas and paths through the beautiful blog forest surrounding me that I simply cannot stay sequestered for long. I am finding so much artful, creative inspiration that I can’t help but think my mom has a hand in it.

She was “the artist” in the family. Before I was born and while I was little she painted and did batik and her work was shown in Tampa galleries and bought by collectors. Then she stopped doing art…I don’t know why. Many, many difficult years went by, and a few years ago she finally started painting again. This time it was clay pots, gourds, bird houses…folk art, not gallery-bound art. This art was healing, and it helped her so much. She started selling her things at local art & craft shows, stores, and as commissions (she sold a lot of commissions for pet portraits). This year I was going to set her up on Etsy, so that her work could reach a larger audience. Since that is not to be, I plan to take pictures of her work that I have here and post them eventually on a page dedicated to her.

I’ve always been creative in that I love color, love to write, love to dabble in things like cross-stitch, crochet, etc. I have never been able to draw very well or create things from scratch…I’m much better at rearranging things into pretty combinations: interior design, web design, and now pixel art (using tubes/pixels from others to create lovely little sig tags). But the past few weeks has found me scratching more and more at an itch to createcreatecreate…create all kinds of things in all kinds of ways. It’s been almost overwhelming at times. Maybe she was egging that on, too, unconsciously…maybe knowing something might happen, and wanting to give me more of a push. She always said that I was an artist too, but I never believed it, because I couldn’t paint like she could. But I’m learning that being an artist isn’t about just painting.

I wanted to step back from blogging to have time to process the fact that she’s gone, but then I start reading blogs to feel better and I find so many art prompts and communities and ideas that I feel like I can almost hear her over my shoulder, saying, “Do it!”

So I’m going to do it. I will use this time to immerse myself in art, in my mom’s honor, and see what comes out of it.

Mom, I love you so much and I miss you horribly. I’ll be doing this for you.